The Quick fix
We want to do good. We feel we are capable of doing good. We seem convinced that what we are doing is for the good of the other person. And then suddenly we are confronted by the adverse results which we seem to have caused to happen.
The Chrysalis and the Moth
It’s like the boy who found the chrysalis and feels very bad at seeing the moth struggling to emerge and decides to help it break out. He feels he has the capability to save the moth. He wants to do well by the moth. But when the child pulls the covering open, the moth dies. The moth was not given the opportunity to struggle so that its wings could strengthen and help it survive. Consequently it died.
The boy made the pain of the moth his own pain. And he couldn’t handle this pain. He acted out of self-centredness disguised as altruism. And sought the easy way out. Our natural proclivity is to avoid pain and discomfort. We don’t see value in pain or grief. They are not seen as a means for waking up, growing or discovering oneself. But rather as something to be got rid of at the earliest. We want the quick fix. Wipe away what makes us human. We have forgotten how to grieve. We want to get back to our routine at the earliest.
Wanting the best for our children
We want the very best for our child but by continuously being by his/her side and coming to his/her aid for every little thing, we do not allow the child to grow. The child doesn’t experience any struggle. The child gets smothered by overprotection and overindulgence and finds it very difficult to grow. Maturation gets delayed. And in the end the child rebels against the parents and the parents wonder why the child hates them so much. True love allows spaces for growth. Obsessive love throttles and constrains.
We hope for the best for our children provided they achieve what we have in mind for them. This is not hope but fear disguised as hope. It is conditioned hope. So our hope for the child doing well is dependent on the child achieving our dream of his/her becoming an engineer or doctor or whatever. We don’t see things through the eyes and shoes of the child. Just like the boy didn’t realise what the moth was trying to achieve. We don’t empathise. We are coloured so much by our self-centredness. We need to see what the child wants and want the same for him/her even if it means the child wanting to be something different like for instance, becoming a singer or an artist and so on. We need to have faith in the child. Life gets appreciated more through the experience of a struggle to become the person one wants to be. .
Discipline and Freedom
Similarly it is only through putting oneself through the rigours of discipline or deliberate practise does one attain a skill to the degree that it seems effortless. There is a complete abandon and fluidity seen for example in an acrobat’s moves. However, we do not see the hours of practise which he/she has undergone to attain that level of finesse. The acrobat embraces pain and discipline as part of the process to experience true freedom.
However, on the other hand we see the child outsourcing his/her struggle with learning to coaching classes and the Internet. He/she wants the quick fix. Not realising that by wanting readymade solutions he/she is no longer learning. The learning is now being done by the machine while he/she becomes a moron.
Duty vs. Caring
We do things out of a sense of duty. There is no pain involved because it is the bare minimum that is expected. It is like the difference between the feeding of a child taken as a responsibility or duty rather than something which one deeply cares about. It can be likened to a ritualistic greeting of a person versus a heartfelt welcome. Duty is perfunctory. Performed from a selfish perspective. One doesn’t push oneself beyond what is expected. It has to be done so one may as well do it. There is also the necessity to be seen by others as having done it. The emphasis is on the external image rather than the caring from within. There is no heart in what we do out of a sense of duty. As Christian Madsbjerg said
“Without care everything is “correct” and nothing is “true”.
When we truly care we experience a connection. We expose our vulnerability. We put our heart in whatever we do. We are not satisfied with just the minimum. We are willing to experience the pain of growth and fulfillment. We avoid the Quick fix.
